Wednesday, February 28, 2024

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The Tiffany Guide to Impact: The Knockouts Go Cold Turkey


With the quality you’ve come to expect and the enthusiasm you’ve come to enjoy, the Tiffany Guide to Impact helps you come down from your cramp-inducing turkey high: with a steaming plate of reheated Knockout action, and a side of stale competition.  In perhaps the greatest Knockout tradition of all, this TNA Knockout battle royale is brought to you by yet another hair extension malfunction.  (Hint: it’s a dark track this time.  Not to fear, Lacey Von Erich.  You’re in the clear this time).  Aw, who’s to say TNA never gives us anything during the holiday season!

As the Knockouts file in, the taste for blood is almost overpowering.  Meanwhile, the angled bad blood between Traci Brooks and Alissa Flash has yet to either settle or boil over.  “Alissa showing no mercy or respect for Traci in recent weeks.”  Yeah.  Okay.

With a few Knockouts out of sight, this appears to be an exclusive beating of the minds.  Supposedly, no one bothered to send Christy Hemme or Awesome Kong the Thanksgiving invite.  Talk about getting  banished to the little kids’ table…

The match kicks off, and the eliminations pile in rather quickly.  (Not really an issue.  Quick eliminations are a staple for most battle royals, aren’t they?) Mere moments into the match, Daffney is tossed over the top rope by Hamada.  The honorary official and Knockouts Champion, ODB, doesn’t hesitate to pour salt on open wounds.  Meanwhile, Taylor Wilde attempts to dispose of Traci Brooks without much luck.  As expected, the feud between Alissa Flash and Traci Brooks comes to a head in the center of the ring.  Alissa lifts and plants Traci onto the apron, but Traci hangs on.  She fights back and, with a little help from Taylor Wilde and Sarita, is able to level the Future Legend.  Though still entangled on the apron, Traci Brooks and Alissa Flash are eliminated by the TNA Tag Team Champions.  It appears no grudge goes unsettled as Traci continues to unleash her frustrations upon her rival on the outside.  As Impact fades to black, Tazz pays homage to his former broadcast partner: “Cat fight!”  Indeed.

During the break, Tara takes it upon herself to cut the proverbial fat by knocking Lacey Von Erich out of the match via a baseball slide.  Just moments later, Sarita is bamboozled out of the ring courtesy of the remaining Beautiful People: Madison Rayne and Velvet Sky.

Back to the match, Taylor Wilde catches Hamada in the corner.  She eliminates them both with a hurricanrana to the floor.  In the meantime, Taylor Wilde takes this defeat on the chin.  Literally.

Realizing this, the Beautiful People take the opportunity to double team Tara.  However, shortly after opting for a tandem clothesline, Madison and Velvet are taken down by their opposer.  Tara takes the fight to 2/3 of Mi Pi Sexy, but she is briefly overpowered once again.  Tara is Irish whipped into the corner.  Madison Rayne charges at Tara but is sent over onto the apron.  Clearly thankful for her catlike reflexes, Madison takes a moment to regain herself.  However, this relief is short-lived as Madison is accidentally expelled from the ring by her beautiful partner.  It is now down to the final two between Tara and Velvet Sky.

When Velvet Sky leads Tara to the ropes, Tara reverses and sends her out instead.  Velvet hangs on, catches Tara in the midsection with a shoulder, but is ultimately sent to the floor by a superkick.  The last Knockout standing, Tara, wins the battle royal and an opportunity to face ODB at Final Resolution.  All business, ODB refuses any and all gestures of showmanship or affection from Tara.

It’s hard to believe how long ODB has been champion.  It’s been three months, but it feels like an eternity.  It goes without saying that Tara will be headlining yet another pay per view.  Shades of their last bout, an ODB vs. Tara feud is not one I necessarily look forward to.  Though, I would like to see Tara pick up the championship soon.  At least this time around, there will be little basis for complaint about Tara not earning her title match opportunity.  Between that and the stale rivalry between Alissa Flash and Traci Brooks, these next few weeks look rather dim.  Hopefully, things will pick up in time for Final Resolution.

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