Let me first say that if I don’t seem as enthusiastic as normal, I apologize. I’ve been sick all week, haven’t had a voice for pretty much the entire time and I have pretty much no energy. I almost took the week off from the write-up but I’m going to push through it and see what we’ve got. Today, being Saturday, is the first time I’ve even turned my laptop on since Monday. I didn’t watch the show until I started writing this so, like I said, please forgive me.

Last week, we got an eyeful of cray cray that just wouldn’t let go. We had a handful of backstage segments that left us all fearing for our sleep patterns. I know I got rid of my mini blinds after last week, I can say that. One major effective segment we saw backstage was in regards to Knockout Law, the past and what could be the future. Traci Brooks has been campaigning toward Eric Bischoff in regards to her Knockout Law run for a couple of weeks now. Last week, they were set to meet over drinks and this week, Bischoff has one huge announcement. Where I am not a fan of Bischoff by any means, I am curious to see what the dirty old man big man on campus has to say. And we’re going to get just that, starting off the show for the Knockouts. All of the Knockouts except Madison Rayne, that is.

Bischoff comes to the ring with Traci at his side, strolling down the ramp like a couple of newlyweds, which is nauseating. All the other Knockouts are in teh ring, trying to figure out just what the hell is going on. Bischoff starts off by saying that he has never had the opportunity to work with such a tremendous group of talented individuals and, for once, I agree with him. The Knockouts are indeed highly talented and deserve the recognition. He continues on, praising their hard work but it all comes to a screeching halt when he continues flapping that fat lip. He states that it doesn’t change the fact that they are all women. We know how it is? He states that women don’t know how to keep their mouths shut, can’t stay focused, always catfighting and whining. Sexual innuendos.

Speaking of, insert some of those creepy slowly spoken words and facial expressions here. Ugh.

Bischoff states that Traci proved to him that only a woman can control a woman. And after all the long, hard hours and work put in, he has come to a decision. Traci is so excited that she looks like she might just pee a little bit. All the Knockouts are behind them with serious “what the…” looks on their faces. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing to you the new VP of the Knockouts division…”Traci, do me a favor and go stand in the corner.” Um…what?!

KAREN JARRETT!!!

The collective “WHAT THE EFF?!” that just went around the ring has me so amused that I can’t stand it. Traci is besides herself after all she went through to try and secure that position but Bischoff is a snake, waiting in the grass for prey. He always has been and always will be. If you paid attention, Traci, you would have known so much better. Karen Jarrett, accompanied to the ring by Big Daddy, comes out in a shimmery gold number that looks like it belongs on a table at Christmas. She is proud of her new position, but the Knockouts not so much. What the hell are you smoking on, Bischoff?!

Karen, never shy on the microphone, thanks Eric for making the right decision and just as he is, she is proud of every woman in the ring. But they both know, they have a long way to go. Cut to Traci, who is being coddled/held back by Velvet Sky and looks like she wants to gut Bischoff. Can you blame her? Karen loves to lay salt to the wound and tells the Knockouts that the difference between them is etiquette. She’s a lady and they obviously are not. There’s a rough road ahead of them but they will walk with honor, dignity and respect. Right now, if Madison Rayne were there, she would be shrieking above them all and weighing over the BS flying out of Karen’s mouth. Wherefore art thou, Moody Madi?!

Sigh. Anyway, on to the first official matter of business. ODB and Jacqueline are officially full-time members of the TNA roster. But they will address those…gestures of celebration later. Traci, oh poor Traci, who really, really put herself out there for this position. Three times, according to Skeezer Bischoff. Karen tells Traci that there is still a place for her in the company, right where she belongs…beneath her. She will be her executive assistant. Pan over to the bitchy look on Brooke Tessmacher‘s face and it pretty much sums it up. Because the shit that Karen is putting out there, I can’t even. Red or white wine? Mercedes or Escalade, ma’am? Who’s the Queen? Traci has to drop everything and….WHAT?! Oh hell no. Why can’t Rosita take off her hula hoop earrings now and go all ghetto?! We need it! Do it!

I guess none of them want to go back to Larry’s Cabaret, where Karen says they belong, sliding up and down that shiny pole. So, with everything being said, she thanks Eric one last time and tells the Knockouts she looks forward to each and every one of them serving her. Especially Traci, whom she demands holds the ropes for her, much to her aggravation. This is wonderful. Any hope I had for the Knockouts division just diminshed.

Moving on from that crapshoot to the continuing cray cray, later on we’re backstage with the Knockouts Champion, Winter and her lady lush, Angelina Love. They’re back to drinking their blood wine, reminiscing on old incarnations but relishing the one they are currently in. Winter tells Angelina that this one is the most precious to her and if that little mouse tries to take it away, she will suck the life blood right out of her. Oh. So that’s what you’ve taken to drinking. I can’t help but wonder, does it stain the wine glass? Are they dishwasher safe? Just curious. I guess with all that feasting on rotting bones, you don’t really care about keeping up with the dishes, eh?

Flash over to Mickie James, who is looking pretty fierce in her new attire with the feathers in her hair. She says she has a comment and it’s the fact she is sick of Winter’s voodoo magic bullshit. All the spitting of blood, or whatever it was in her face. She is going to go out there and wrestle her ass off and they are going to find out if Winter can hang with her. They’re going to find out what kind of Knockouts Champion that Winter really is so she best bring her A-game. ROAR!

HARDCORE COUNTRY! The championship return match that we knew was coming is finally here. Mickie is out the ring first, but for some reason Taz and Mike Tenay are talking about a returning Jeff Hardy. Newsflash! No one gives a damn. Pay attention to what’s going on in front of you. Last to the ring is Winter, accompanied by Angelina who has frickin’ bats on her shirt. Well, I guess that gives new meaning to batshit crazy, huh? It’s fitting. I have to say that I am loving the new stage setup and I think they need to keep it. Anyway, the match is starting and I’m dazing off into Neverland. Mickie wants to start this match off strong but Winter leans out of the ropes, cutting her off before she can get to her. Of course.

Into the struggling lock-up and Winter is rolling all over the ring, trying to get away from Mickie the Mouse. But who can resist a game of peaknuckle, even in the wrestling world? Winter goes back in, hands out and the game is on until a roll-up comes out of nowhere. Thankfully, it’s no good but Mickie isn’t backing down because she didn’t get the count. She stays on Winter and truly, the exchanges speak for themselves. I shouldn’t even have to put them into words. As a matter of fact, I think you should truly be watching this match between two top female competitors instead of reading this. Just like Angelina should have been. If she had been paying attention to the match, instead of trying to rip out Mickie’s hair feathers and tossing the belt to Winter, she wouldn’t have been shoved to the back by Earl Hebner.

Wait a minute. Is that a CM Punk shirt in the audience?! THAT IS A NEW CM PUNK SHIRT IN THE TNA AUDIENCE! My life is made. I can die happy now. /freakout

Sorry about that. Easily distracted, I tell you. But Winter is not, even with Angelina being sent to the back, she stays on Mickie. She grinds her face against the mat and drives those knees between her shoulder blades. But the crowd is behind Mickie, hell, even SoCal Val is standing up and cheering her on and it gives her enough power to come back. She fights against Winter and manages to lock in a knee lock submission of some type, but Winter reaches the ropes to break it. However, Mickie keeps a bag of tricks and lifts Winter up, dropping her flat on her back against the canvas. Multiple clothesline takedowns with an elbow for good measure, but Winter has one of her own. A flapjack slam from Mickie who looks to go for the DDT but it’s a definite no-go. Both women runs, take hold of hair and SLAM! both women are down. Um. Ouch.

But Mickie is up first, only to get a rake to the eyes from Winter’s claws. A pick-up to go for a slam and Mick fights out, goes for a roll-up and the exchange…deep breath! No good for either attempt. However, it lays opening for that DDT and you almost miss it if you aren’t paying attention, which you should be. Mickie goes for the cover and drained of energy, Winter hardly gets her foot against the rope, going for the under venture. Hebner catches it in time and Mickie almost can’t believe it. She keeps her eyes on the official, picking Winter up and doesn’t see the defending champion hit that walk-up enzuigiri kick until it’s too late. That quick foot against the temple and Mickie just falls back like a cement wall being pushed over. TIMBER!!!

Winter goes for a pin, a little late if you ask me and doesn’t quite get the count well enough. But she is clever and removed her arm warmer, ready to use it as a choking device. Yet, even in his old age, Earl Hebner can see what is meant to be hidden and catches her before it goes into play. A small struggle and as soon as she turned around…MICK KICK! and she’s down for the count. One. Two. Three! Mickie James has won back the Knockouts Championship in Huntsville, Alabama! Winter is bleeding from the mouth and with a kindly swipe, Mickie holds it up for the world to see. I’m not sure why but um, okay.

I can’t really say that I’m too happy about this win either. I like Mickie in TNA, so much more than I did in WWE. However, I was looking forward to seeing what Winter could do with that championship. She JUST won like two weeks ago and now she’s already lost. It makes no sense. I won’t even pretend to understand the logic. I think she would have made an incredible champion but I guess now we won’t see that. As for Karen, I think I said all I need to say. Again, I apologize for a lackluster performance on my part. As I’m wrapping this up, I’m preparing to go back to my bed to potentially sleep off some more of this mess. Until next week, my lovies. xoxo

What did you think of this week’s episode of Impact? Let me know in the comments below!