Kristin Astara

“Who believes in me?”… A question I have often asked myself and at times had a hard time answering, just as I’m sure many of you have. Sometimes I don’t even believe in myself. How can I possibly say that? We should all believe in ourselves. Have faith we can attain our goals and achieve our dreams, but what blocks us from doing so? I’m a prime example of fear over running my life and letting it get the best of me. How do we, myself included, keep from living a “fear based” life in a fear based world? Turn on the news, the radio, open up a newspaper and all you see is trouble, sadness, and anxiety that brinks on paranoia. I try not to watch or read any of these things at this point in my life. The human race has become so focused on what is negative and fearful that we almost don’t know how to receive positive and good in our life. We don’t know how to accept “great news” for fear that we don’t deserve it, and something bad may be lurking around the corner. We walk around with the attitude that mediocrity is ok. That we are supposed to go to school, get a good job with “benefits” and live the same doldrum life until we die??? What about finding true happiness? Realizing what makes your soul sing and come alive!

Whenever I think of someone who always believed in me a loving, no GLEAMING, thought of my grandfather “Alvin” comes to mind. He called me “Hollywood” from the time I was a tiny tot. This was before I had dreams or aspirations to become anything at all. He always acknowledged something special about me and was never afraid to tell me. When I think back was really a rare thing in my family. He was such an amazing man.. The most loveable, fun and young spirited man I’ve ever met to this day. In his sixties he was watching “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” and would keep me updated if I missed an episode.

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Gosh, where do I start? Everyone prepare themselves for a random column this week! First of all, hey y’all! How you doing? I hope everyone is doing great this holiday season! I sure am! Whew, I have been slammed recently with my business and it has left me little to no time at the computer! I’m not complaining though — I feel totally blessed. We are in a recession, you know! So much has been happening, I don’t even know where to start.

Well here’s some good news — I have started working out again (first time in a gym in two years) lol. Gosh, that is totally embarassing and a true athlete would never admit to that, right? Oh well, I’m honest, like me or not! It feels good though. I enjoyed being ‘skinny fat’ for the last two years but honestly, I had taken a long enough break! Speaking of ‘breaks’ I’ve also had a pretty long one from wrestling… I think now that I’m training to become to become a 5-star athlete (wink,wink, hee hee hee) again maybe I’ll give wrestling another go. I had a ‘semi-comeback’ last year but that wasn’t really working out the way I wanted. You know by the time you get to a certain age, you just really like to march to the beat of your own drum. Actually I’ve always been like that lol! So I’ve taken some time and regrouped. Oh I’ll give you a lil spoiler, you won’t be seeing Krissy Vaine at TNA for the tag tournament next week. That synchronicity thing I’ve talked about before is so funny! Timing is everything and unfortunately I was already obligated to something else by the time this idea came to fruition. This go round, because I have looked less than professional in the past (and that is not my nature) I have to do things the right way. It’s really important for me to do so. So whomever I’m with, I’ll be giving that company 100%  — no more one show appearances for me. Its not fair to anyone involved. I do have some very exciting and interesting things going on in the New Year.

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How many of us actually follow our fate? Our life purpose? Or our path? The signs seem to always be there, but do we listen or pay attention? And how long can you ignore what keeps being put in front of you by something that is bigger than you. My signs have always been pretty prevalent and loud, sort of like my personality. There have been times when I have paid attention and there have been times when I have chosen ego over a divine purpose. I believe we are all here to do something, but how do we grasp what that might be?

We can pay attention to synchronicity for starters. Synchronicity happens all the time and there are constantly ‘hints’ being thrown in front of us to help us to us reach our potential. If something drops in front of your face more than three times, I’d rest assured someone or something is trying to tell you something. For me,  it’s always been the wrestling business. No matter what I do, it always calls on me — even if I’m attempting anonymity. This business has given me a platform to reach and touch many people and it continues to do so even as an inactive performer and jobberette extraordinaire ;) I have not had that kind of success in any other business (as hard as I’ve tried), it just hasn’t happened . I used to think it was the devil on my shoulder, but I’m beginning to wonder if my ‘plans’ and my ‘path’ are two different things. You see our ‘egos’ plan. They instill us with fear, induce anxiety and promote worry. Our ‘paths’ just take us where we are supposed to go with no ulterior motives. Our path just wants us to have the peace that we are doing what we are supposed to do and the universe is thrilled by it. When this happens we are truly in sync. I’m working on it but definitely not quite there myself.

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I’d like to think that I have a knack for knowing something or someone special, or seeing something worth looking at or paying attention to. I believe everyone has that power. Whether or not we pay attention to it is our own decision. My time as a full time Diva made life very interesting as there were always those coming in and out of the system and I would pretty much be able to peg them and their future. Although I could always see the fate of others, I never was able to do the same for myself. Lord knows I wish that I could have. Life would have been much simpler. So I guess the question is what makes someone special? It seems that everyone has something to give to the world. Those who know that gift are unstoppable, normally they can be seen from a distance and seem to ‘glow’ and bring ‘light’ into your life when they are around. Those who don’t know why they are here are lost and also easily recognized. They walk around sad with a ‘gloom and doom’ negative, nasty attitude. I’ve been both of those people. I prefer what’s behind door number one, however! Not that we all don’t get lost, I think the best decision we can make is one with our hearts and not with our heads. Our human egos get us into a lot of trouble and can cause a lot of unhappiness. If you’re not doing something for the ‘right’ reason, then why do it at all? It’s bound to eat you alive in the end, right?

Many examples in my life have shown me where I was supposed to go. Odd coincidences, random run-ins and lots of trials and tribulations. Each for their own very good reason came into my life and then at some point exited — or I kicked their jabroni butt out for bringing down my vibe! We all know people like that. They suck the life out of you and take, take, take. Never giving back to you what you give to them. The feed off your energy to make themselves feel stronger or more powerful. Be it a boss, a family member or a friend. These people are leeches and not good for any of us. It’s okay to take a stand and say to that person or just do it without saying, “You are not good for me, I’m taking my energy back!” Wow, will you feel better after you take that first step!

I’ve found that every time I start to feel down or am starting to feel sad, I pick up a book. I tend to gravitate towards healing and self help books (I admit, I need them lol!). Just like I’m prone to write stories that make everyone seem more relatable or hopefully tell a good story that means something. Divas, just like Hollywood starlets, are just regular girls who get great makeup and hair for TV. Bet you wouldn’t recognize most of them walking down the street because we all look so different without our ‘masks’. That’s another thing I struggle with — I’ve always felt like such a misfit because who I am on the outside does not match up with the me on the inside. Being judged stinks, I think we can all agree. I’ve mentioned before that being ‘pretty’ gets old and stagnant and what does that really mean? What difference is that really going to make when I’m not in this world? Sometimes it feels like a curse, but I know it’s not. I find myself constantly on a mission to show that ‘pretty is as pretty does, and I’d venture to say that is one of my life’s works. Pretty girls can be nice and it is totally refreshing when they are! Like a tall glass of water! Some of the other “grizzled Divas,” can now officially start taking notes, wink wink.

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I had been stumped as to what to write about this week. I’m one of those people who have to be ‘inspired’ in order to speak or write in this case. I guess I feel like if what I have to say isn’t interesting or if I can’t be passionate while writing, then it’s just best to sit back on my pink aura lol (insert joke here) and simmer. But alas, something came to me tonight; I felt fidgety like I needed to talk but couldn’t tell if, maybe, it was just the full moon coming this week that’s throwing off my balance or what the reason for my restlessness was. And then it came to me… this week in the ‘Fair’, I’m gonna discuss heroes in the wrestling business.

When I started out many years ago, I was a bright eyed, naive, sheltered teenager eager to jump feet first into the world of pro wrestling. Being a North Carolinian, I grew up knowing the names of Ric Flair (fave wrestler ever), Ricky Steamboat, Dusty Rhodes and many others. With Crockett Promotions taking place practically in my backyard I couldn’t help but be educated. I would not have called myself a fan, however. My quite ‘southern’ father, an avid fisherman, hunter and ‘rassling’ fan made sure to keep me updated though on all that was professional wrestling. He would turn on wrestling every Saturday morning and make me watch Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. Repeating to me weekend after weekend: “Kristin, you’re gonna grow up and be a rassler. You’re just as strong and as pretty as those girls.” I would always retort in my prissy way: “No I’m NOT gonna be one of those girls Daddy! I am a lady!” I couldn’t have been more than ten years old at the time, but my father had just predicted my future. Well to a point. Becoming a wrestler did become part of my path and I’d like to think I remained a lady while doing so. But we are talking about heroes right? I guess in the GLOW era it would’ve been Tina Ferrari but Barbie was my first love, not that you can tell that by looking at me (wink wink). As I grew up, the Saturday morning tradition faded however it apparently stayed with me through at least my late-teens when I decided to give up my budding modeling career and pursue wrestling. Hey, if Trish could do it, so could I! Here was a girl who looked like a Barbie (my first love)  but was a wrestler. I thought back to my father’s words… he was right! And I had found the person who would become my guide… or so I thought.

Ahh, silly, clueless, overzealous Krissy Vaine. I jumped in and I moved up. I had a drive and a determination. It was calling to me and I knew it. Great things would lie ahead, hard work and dedication would get me to the big show! I just knew Vince would be calling me at any minute. No one on the independent circuit looked like me and I knew it. The ball was in my court. Five years into my venture I received the call. I was brought in for my first tryout…

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Hey y’all and welcome to the first Vainety Fair! We can all applaud Melanie for the clever name for my new column. When I was pondering about what to write for my first contribution to Diva Dirt, I thought to myself… what can I talk about that would be interesting to the masses? I want to keep my audience captive, but I also want to keep it real. So I decided after much deliberation to use myself as the ‘butt of the joke’ and talk about the aging Diva. During my tenure as a full-time entertainer, I look back and believe that in the span of only about two years, I aged at least five to ten! How does this happen? Good question! I lived it and am still not completely sure but the proof lies in the pudding. Of course, I can look back now and laugh (I’ve managed to ‘de-griz’) but as this was going on in front of me, it was not so humorous and damaging to be truthful. It was heart wrenching and terrifying! You have to understand your ‘beauty’ tends to be the most important thing you’ve got as a female in the wrestling business. Unlike actresses, females in wrestling can never be too attractive. Jessica Biel has often stated that she hasn’t gotten specific movie or television gigs because she is too easy on the eyes… How is this possible, you ask? In acting there are different roles, different characters — the most beautiful woman in the world will receive an Oscar for dimming herself down to look ‘homely’ and ‘unattractive’. Now count how many homely women in wrestling ever ‘get over’, or better yet are ‘pushed’. Bet you can count them on one hand. I am happy to see that some places nowadays are thinking outside of the box and that is refreshing. But I can only speak of what I know…

I, one time tried to pitch a ‘nerd’ character while I was under contract and was actually quite good at it. Think Neil Goldman from Family Guy. I have a retainer I still have to wear at night, y’all! No joke! I sound ridiculous and look even more silly. However, it was kind of funny in it’s on way and I had an idea. Possibly a very good idea. Never have I been comfortable with being the so-called wrestling ‘sex kitten’, so I decided to suggest something different and actually portray that awkward stage that at some point in our lives, we all go through. I thought it would be brilliant for a babyface female to become this character’s ‘protector’ and help her emerge after many trials and tribulations as a beautiful swan. Redemption right? Wrong! Needless to say this ‘character’ did not go over so well with management… in fact, it was more like a turd in a punch bowl. So I was told to drop it and become as ‘sexy’ as I could be. Ugh. I was not happy, but this is the way you’re making a living so you do as you must. As I said on the Roundtable, it’s either be a ‘perfect 10’ or buh-bye Diva wannabe. Is this ridiculous? I think so… I conformed for a while, tried to be sexy. Eek! I’m not very good at that. Yes, I photograph well, but am I a sexpot in the ring? No and I don’t want to be. I think its tasteless and if you are talented, you are selling yourself short.

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