Monday, December 15, 2025
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Op-Ed

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #12

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I don’t get out much anymore.  Balancing a job, a mortgage, a wife, and 2 kids doesn’t leave a lot of time for other interests.  We try to see friends and family as much as possible but it’s difficult to get everybody’s schedules to match up.  I try to do a little acting here and there, just to keep the creative juices flowing.  I contribute to Diva Dirt for the same reasons.  It’s all good and I’m certainly not complaining, but life is sure different than when my wife and I met in college.  Back then our most important decision was “Bud or Bud Light?”  Now we worry about things like parent-teacher conferences and soccer practice (By the way I’m officially a soccer mom now…who needs orange wedges?  Off to McDonald’s!)  It’s not like we were the Rolling Stones once upon a time, but my wife and I used to love hitting the DC clubs and staying out a little too late.  We used to have 2 or 3 house parties each year that wouldn’t wrap up until the sun was shining.  Good times.  Now a wild night for us is staying awake until they announce American Idol results.  So when my friend Patrick invited us to his summer party a few weeks ago, we reacted like lions at Morton’s Steakhouse.  “We’re going….OUT?”

If only it were that simple.  Should we both go?  Should I go?  Should she go?  Are kids invited?  Do we bring the kids even if they are?  Do we drive?  Should we get a taxi service?  Should we spend the night?  All things to consider.  It’s not that we never go out just the two of us, but it better be for a damn good reason.  Once you start getting babysitters involved the complexity of the evening triples, as does the cost.  So normally we’ll all go somewhere, or one of us goes out while the other stays home and keeps the family train on track.  The question though is “Which one of us gets to go?”  I know, romantic right?  (I’m happy to say the honeymoon is never over around here.)  Here’s where we bring in our legal teams.

Attorney 1:  “Well, David, your wife feels she should go because you went out 3 weeks ago for 45 minutes.”
Attorney 2:  “Objection!  That was to pick up flowers for his mother-in-law!”
Judge:  “Overruled!”
Me:  “Crap.”

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #11

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I told my wife last week that “I think we should rename our daughter “Gail” because all she likes to do is Eat D’Feet!  Well, either she didn’t like the joke or she didn’t understand it, because she just looked at me with a blank stare.  It was the same look I get when I forget to take out the trash or pick up milk.  A look that conveys general confusion at the choices she’s made in her life (I’m also starting to believe the laws of Virginia prevent her from laughing at anything I say.)  But, personally, I love this joke.  I loved this joke last week and I still love it today.  I’ll love it even more next week.

I guess I should have expected that response from her.  She’s not really a wrestling fan so why did I waste my best material at home?  I tweeted the joke.  No response.  No “re-tweets” or “direct messages” (how geeky does that sound Michael Cole?!)   I’m pretty sure that stupid whale crashed Twitter that day.  That must be it, because I’m sure SOMEBODY would have thought that joke was funny!

You get it right?  (I hate when I have to explain a joke, but here goes.)  My daughter is 5 months old.  Her middle name is Phoenix.   We call her the Baby Glamazon.  She doesn’t play with rattles she plays with dumbbells.  She prefers a tiara to a bib.   Perfect.  But now she spends all day throwing her legs in the air and sticking her feet right in her mouth (seriously, I can’t wait for the teenage years.)  All day long she likes to “eat d’feet”!  You know, which sounds like Gail’s finisher.  So…um… maybe we should rename her “Gail”.  (Groan).

I continued to think everybody else was crazy.  How could nobody like this joke!?  I’m pretty convinced I know what’s funny.  I actually think I have a very sophisticated sense of humor.  If I’m laughing, you should be laughing.  (No ego problems here!)  But then it hit me.  Some might not think that joke is funny because it refers to Gail’s finisher, which has the stupidest, dumbest, goofiest, most ridiculous name in wrestling history!  Of course the joke isn’t funny in the same way jokes about the Hindenburg and the Titanic aren’t funny.  What a disaster!

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #10

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Natalya and I have something very unusual in common – we were both raised in a dungeon.  The impact of this can’t be overstated and it obviously impacted our passageway to adulthood.  As a member of the legendary Hart Family, Natalya was raised in Stu Hart’s dungeon.  As a kid growing up in York, PA, I was raised in my dad’s living room.    Both featured a lot of screaming and foul language.  Both featured a lot of stretching.  Both were probably not the cleanest places in the world.   And in the end, both were places we were happy to escape from.  Natalya graduated to the next phase of her career as a professional wrestler, and I graduated high school.  These stories are so similar there are times I think I am actually an honorary Hart brother (and I have been known to wear pink…just not in my hair.)  Natalya and I were both finally free to pursue our dreams.

Why was my dad’s living room similar to a dungeon?  Well, when I started falling in love with pro wrestling, I had to beg, and plead, and beg, and plead, and beg some more for my parents to take me to nearby Hershey Park Arena to see the touring WWF shows.  Neither parent was thrilled that I was starting to love wrestling (that “fake stuff” as they called it) which was probably because I was ripping off my t-shirts and calling everybody “brother” (you can’t deny Hulk Hogan’s impact on a generation of kids).  But my dad was even less thrilled because I wanted to watch the WWF on TV each week… and our one TV was his.  It wasn’t for the family.  It wasn’t for the parents.  His.  His TV.  I can’t stress that enough.  I had to beg him to watch ‘Wrestling Challenge’ and ‘Prime Time Wrestling’ each week.  Thank God he was asleep by the time Saturday Night’s Main Event came on the air.  I felt trapped because I could feel something inside of me changing… I was becoming a huge wrestling fan and I wanted to jump in with both feet.

I remember the day when my dad reluctantly bought our first VCR.  He looked at that thing like it contained plutonium that would blow up the house if we used it.  He reluctantly agreed to buy it because my mom is a dancer and she wanted to watch some dance videos.  I was a brainy kid so I tried to learn how to program it to tape my WWF shows (remember when programming a VCR took 43 steps?) and Lord have mercy if I screwed up and accidentally changed his channel by accident.  “Time to learn the ankle lock, kid!”  AHHHHH.  (PS – I’m not a psychology major, but Freud would probably find a correlation between this story and the fact that I now own two giant TiVos, one for my family and one just for me.  No one is telling me what I can tape now!)

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The Artist Formerly Known as Katie Lea’s Short & Snappy Tales of Greatness – Issue #1

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Diva Dirt is honored to welcome former WWE Diva, Katie Lea aka Kat Waters to the team as she brings her column ‘Short & Snappy Tales of Greatness’ to our readers. Welcome, Kat!

So a few weeks ago (OMG, times goes fast when you‘re fabulous!), as many as you clever, clever people who follow me on Twitter know (it’s @dawgkilla for all you poor backwards people who don’t), I was watching the very interesting movie ‘Rollerball’. Now I am not about to turn this into a full-blown movie review- as, first of all, the movie is not new and has probably been reviewed to death, but second of all- I really couldn’t figure out what it was all about.

What I did want to mention, however, was the fascinating discovery that this film about a crazy roller derby/basketball mix featured not only Paul Heyman (in a prominent role), but also Shane McMahon (in a smaller part) and an extra that looked just like Justin Roberts… Imagine my surprise! And here I was, thinking I had invented the roller derby-wrestling connection courtesy of my very excellent, downright amazing rollerderbyist sister, @nuke_leah (again, Twitter-speak… follow her everybody!).

So, turns out, roller derby is nothing new. Be that as it may, it is of late experiencing somewhat of a new wave, a renaissance quasi- in fact, it has been referred to as the up-and-coming sport, the one to watch, the bandwagon to jump on. Which means of course that I, the notorious dawgkilla, am hereby pressing my finger firmly down on that pulse. And in timely manner, by a stroke of luck I finally got to watch my sis live and in colour, skating rollers and kicking ass… And thus figured out what makes this sport so special.

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #9

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EXCUSE ME!  I said EXCUSE ME!!  It’s time for some “Real Talk”!  This week I am turning in my tiara for a full-zip custom hoodie…and I gotta admit, I’m pretty fired up.  I’ve wanted to write about Lay-Cool for a while now but I keep getting distracted.  First by Beth’s knee injury.  Then by my sudden fascination with the Bellas.  Then by my favorite French Canadian Maryse (I’m proud of that column by the way.  It only took me 2,300 words to prove that Maryse is “hot”.  I know, impressive.)  But no more.  Now is the time.  Now is the time for me to write about one of my favorite tag teams ever.   Honestly, I haven’t enjoyed a tag team, male or female, this much since the Hart Foundation broke out the pink and black almost 25 years ago.  (Seriously…go back and watch WrestleMania 3 and tell me if you ever saw a cooler tag team.)

First off, let’s get this out of the way – some of you might not think Layla and Michelle are officially a “tag team” because the WWE doesn’t have an official women’s tag team division.  Well, I think you’re wrong.  I think Lay-Cool can be classified as a traditional tag team because they meet the required criteria, as defined by yours truly…and in this case I am the judge, the jury, and the executioner (no, not THE Executioner who lost to Tito Santana in the first WrestleMania.)  Trivia time: What big name grappler played the Executioner that night?  Did you know it was that Executioner’s only WWF appearance (and it happened at WM?!? WTF?!?).  It also led to one of my all-time favorite Gorilla Monsoon lines: “I don’t know much about this particular Executioner.”  There were others he DID know a lot about???  God I loved the Gorilla.  My favorite Monsoon expression ever?  Every time Nikolai Volkoff would wrestle Gorilla would say “the Big Russian doesn’t have a clue how strong he is”, usually right before Volkoff got pinned.  Killed me every time.  In Gorilla’s honor I have a framed Volkoff signature in my basement and I know all the words to the Soviet National Anthem.  “Mr. Glamazon requests that you all rise and respect his singing of the Soviet…National…Anthem.”  Boooo!  USA! USA! USA!  I would make a great heel.

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #8

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I switched the topic of this week’s column at the last minute.    I was all set to write about Michelle and Layla and the “Rise of LayCool”.  I had completed the outline and had my hoodies all picked out.  But something has been nagging at me for a few days…

In my last column I broke one of my own rules.  Truthfully, this has been bugging me ever since I posted it last week.  I promised myself when I started writing this column that I would try to be informative, insightful, and funny, all within certain boundaries.  I would not go for the cheap laugh at somebody else’s expense unless there was some validity to what I wrote.   At first I thought the joke was funny.  The more I kept reading my column the more I began to wonder if the joke was as clever as I originally thought.  After reading my column for the 457th time (hey, somebody has to read it!), I really started to sour on it because I realized I may have just gone for the cheap laugh.  I am a little disappointed in myself because I know better.  There is really nothing funny about hitting below the belt.  I’m also not a fan of obvious humor (think Tiger Woods jokes, Monica Lewinsky jokes, etc.)  Anyway, I spent a lot of time reflecting on this specific joke and decided that I needed to either 1) defend it or 2) apologize for it.

Before I do, however, I want to be very clear about how I define “smart humor” and “cheap humor”.  My boy Mike Knox is actually the perfect person to use for this example.  Here is something I think is funny:  During his last few months in the WWE, the announcers would make a big deal about how Knox studied “kinesiology” and knew all kinds of special ways to hurt people and inflict pain.  Personally I think he should have spent more time studying “how to win matches” because he didn’t do that very often.  (Insert laugh track)  Now that to me is funny, and it is also fair game based on the silly commentary and poor character development.  (Note – If you didn’t find this joke amusing, I’m probably not headlining Second City any time soon.)

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #7

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Thanks to several readers I have decided to join a Beth Phoenix self-help group.   I didn’t realize I needed professional help, but after reading some of the comments from my last column, my eyes have been opened a bit.  For example, Agent E suggested I was suffering from “too much Glamazon love” and even called me creepy!  Jennifer L134 suggested I check out AA.  Ouch!  Who knew I had this problem?  Who knew these types of problems even existed?  I mean, I save every Beth match on DVD, I call my daughter the Glamazon, and I back flip into my office cube every morning, but is this an actual medical problem?  That’s preposterous…ummm…right?

Maybe, maybe not.  But the comments of some readers pointed out to me (albeit in a playful way) I should examine this a little closer.  Truthfully, I have probably been in denial for quite some time.  For starters, I guess I shouldn’t check every day to see if Smackdown is coming to DC so I can pre-order tickets.  And I guess I shouldn’t walk around with a women’s title belt raised above my head.  (I could go on and on, but in the interest of time, I’ll stop there.)  So I thank the readers for helping push me forward.  In some ways I’m starting to feel like I belong in the Straight Edge Society because my eyes have now been opened.  Actually, I thought about cutting my hair, buying a Punk T-shirt, and going completely “straight edge”…but then I realized something.  I could give up drinking.  I don’t smoke or use “prescription medication” (God Punk is a great promo).  But I can’t be “straight edge” for one very big reason – I am much, much, much too vain.  Nobody is shaving or cutting anything on this money maker.  The hair…it stays. 

Side note – I always have my hair cut by a hot chick.  Just a quirk of mine.  I find a beautiful hairstylist and I stay with her.  It is a deep and meaningful relationship is some ways.  There’s lots of chit-chat, lots of head rubbing, and I always leave happy.  The only difference between her and my wife is the money exchanged.  (Joke alert!  Thank you, thank you….I’ll be here all week.)  First there was Tina.  She got me through high school and college.  God I miss Tina.  Then I moved to DC and was in a tailspin for about 12 months, bouncing from one barber to another.  I hit all the ones in Northern VA looking for my new girl.  I thought I found the right one…Brenda…but then she tried to set me up with her sister.  That went horrible wrong, mainly b/c there was little family resemblance…if you know what I mean.  Plus her sister’s name was Wanda…that didn’t work for me.  It was my one and only blind date.  And yes I can be that shallow.  Cut me a break, I was 24. 

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #6

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The bartender could tell something was wrong.  “You doing OK, man?”

I just kept shaking my head and staring at the ground in disbelief.  Finally I said “Man, this started out as such a perfect night…” but it was barely loud enough for him to hear.

“What’s the matter dude?  You’re in New Orleans…laissez le bon temps rouler!”  I wanted to have fun, I wanted to “let the good times roll”, but instead I felt like I just got “coups de pied dans les noix.” (Translation – if you’re a guy that hurts.)

Seriously, it should have been a perfect night.  I was strolling around Bourbon Street drinking a cold beer, the weather was beautiful and life was good.   No problems at home, the job was fine, and Beth was the WWE Women’s Champion (I have always contended we are co-holders of the title, but that’s just a technicality).  Then I thought I’d jump into a local bar, grab a refill, and check the Diva Dirt SmackDown spoilers.  Just wanted to make sure my girl was still the champ after the Tuesday night tapings.  Then I read the news… a 2-on-1 title match, Vickie’s back, a confusing ending, Michelle or Layla wearing the belt… what?!?!  All I knew was that Beth wasn’t the champion anymore and I felt like my heart would explode from my chest.  Not so much because she lost the title…but because I knew what this really meant – something was seriously wrong with her knee.  “OH MERDE!” (Translation – very, very not good!)

The bartender said, “Hey, umm, can I get you a beer?”

I put my head in my hands and said, “Nah, I’ll take a Johnny Daniels over ice.”

“You mean Jack Daniels, right?”

I looked at him and mumbled, “He may be Jack to you, but when you’ve known him as long as I have…”

The bartender poured the drink and said, “Wow, you must really be upset about something.”

“You don’t understand, man, it wasn’t supposed to go down like this…I didn’t even get to write my Extreme Rules column yet.” Being that we were in New Orleans, lord knows what the bartender thought that meant.  But I thought I had a few weeks you know?  I wanted to be able to let the moment sink in and then write a coherent, entertaining column about one of the most exciting nights of my life.  Now, the moment had passed, Beth had a severe knee injury, and Baltimore, MD seemed like a 100 years ago.  The bartender said, “OK, then this one is on the house, you look pretty bummed out.  Decu dans le Big Easy.” (Translation – I’m the only loser in New Orleans not having fun.)  I looked back down at the floor and just kept thinking, “Did I jinx her?  In some cosmic supernatural way did writing that stupid column about Melina’s injury cause Beth to blow out her knee?!”  I don’t know. 

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How to Salvage What’s Left of the Knockouts Division

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When former Knockouts Champion, Tara’s contract with TNA expires on May 21st, there will be a gap in the Knockouts division that needs to be filled. For the past year it seems, the entire division has revolved around Tara in one way or another, she is without a doubt the star power of that division and has been the top Knockout from the moment she came in to the moment she leaves. One woman doesn’t necessarily define a division, but with a spate of departures including the high profile loss of Awesome Kong  and the streamlining of lesser used Knockouts including Traci Brooks, Alissa Flash and Roxxi, TNA hasn’t positioned itself very well for a division without Tara. So what happens when she leaves?

The ideal candidate to helm the new Knockouts division as top babyface would be the recently injured Angelina Love, but TNA has done themselves no favours by limiting the roles of two former Knockouts Champions — ODB and Taylor Wilde — in recent months  because there’s no strong secondary babyface to help prop up the division and make up the numbers along with Angelina. The heel side looks stronger as currently, The Beautiful People at the moment hold all the gold. Daffney is another extremely strong character and worker that could be a real asset to the division. Then there’s Sarita & Hamada, arguably two of the best female wrestlers in the world, just sitting on the sidelines and going to waste. TNA has given us little reason to care about most of these Knockouts over the past several months. And with that, I think that post-Tara, TNA needs to draw a line under everything that the Knockouts division has stood for so far and ‘reboot’ the division almost. Do something bold, imaginative and attention-grabbing to draw attention back to this division.

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #5

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On the April 30th Smackdown, WWE Women’s Champion “The Glamazon” Beth Phoenix and Kelly Kelly defeated Michelle McCool and Layla.  Read that sentence again, because I think it is THE turning point in Kelly Kelly’s career.  I think it might be the most important match Kelly has ever wrestled.  Teaming with the current women’s champion and picking up the victory over the hottest heel group in the company is a major step in the right direction for her.  And the best part?  Not a leprichaun, talking car, magician, or game show host anywhere in sight.  Just a solid wrestling match that saw Kelly trade actual wrestling holds with girls who know what they’re doing.  Heck, Beth even let her get the victory for her team.

Was Kelly great in this match?  Hardly.  Did Kelly do her “whirly-bird” flying head-scissors thing that looks really goofy?  Take a guess.  Did Kelly stumble through her “Kelly Killer” leg drop finisher?  A big, big yes.  Does Kelly have a lot of work to do to elevate herself to the class of Melina, Beth Phoenix, and Michelle McCool?  Obviously.  But she won’t have the chance to do that…to learn, grow, and improve…just wearing bathing suits on RAW.  But here is the thing, we know (right or wrong) that the WWE is going to market this girl, to use her as one of the most prominent faces of the Divas.  Therefore Kelly needed, repeat absolutely NEEDED, to move to Smackdown.  The entire division will benefit from Kelly becoming a legit star and that can only happen on Friday night with this current group of writers.  My fellow Diva Dirt writers and I don’t necessarily see eye to eye on this, but I felt it was the most critical move of the entire draft.  (Please don’t stop reading, give me a few paragraphs to explain.)  Along with Natayla (moving to RAW) and Mickie (moving to RAW), I felt these were the 3 most important “draft” picks of the year (well, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad right?!)  Miss you already Mickie…when’s the CD coming out?  Here is what I wrote before the draft:

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Guest Blog: ‘Why WWE Needs Awesome Kong’ by John Canton

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Having listened to the Awesome Kong interview here at Diva Dirt and read a recent radio recap from her, one thing is perfectly clear to me: Awesome Kong wants to work for World Wrestling Entertainment. She’s not outright campaigning for it, but if you listen to her, you can tell she’s interested. The question is, does WWE have the same interest? I have no idea. The thing is, they definitely should and I’ll be happy to tell you why.

By signing Awesome Kong, WWE would be breaking the mold of what they believe a WWE Diva should be. Look at the women they have under employment. More than half of them had little or no wrestling experience before they were signed by the company. Awesome Kong is not like that. Kong started wrestling eight years ago, she had a lot of success working in Japan and then made a name for herself in 2007 with TNA. Anybody that saw her work with Gail Kim in TNA could see immediately how much talent she had. I had never seen her before that feud and it took my breath away. They told an amazing story by simply having Kong dominate due to her size while Kim came back with her athleticism. A lot of people took notice of her after that feud and it turned out they were a ratings draws too. Kong was unlike anything we’ve seen in American women’s wrestling.

The majority of the WWE Divas are also thin. We all know how shallow the WWE writing team can be if they feel somebody isn’t thin enough. They call them fat. They insult. They act like a bunch of eight year old kids on the playground. Awesome Kong is not thin. She’s a physical force standing in at 5’11” and 270 pounds. When she walks into a room, you notice her.

How do you bring her in? Easy. As a heel monster. On either brand. The easiest story to tell in professional wrestling will always be the bigger wrestler versus the smaller wrestler. The backstory doesn’t even matter. Let the picture do the talking. Big person = mean, small person = heroic. Easy. Done. A five year old kid can understand just as well as a seventy-five year old senior could. Let’s look at the easy way to bring her in on both Raw and SmackDown.

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #4

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You never forget the sound.  Never.  When your knee snaps and you know something is terribly wrong, your body immediately goes ice cold and the sound — more like a short crumble when you smash a soda can — is forever a part of your life.  It can make you sick to think about even long after your knee is healed.  And let me tell you, you can never, ever, ever watch a knee injury on TV without feeling physically ill.  I blew out my left knee in December 2002, a complete tear of the anterior cruciate ligament (ACL).  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t hear the sound.  Unfortunately, now Melina can hear that sound too.

You become members of a strange fraternity.  As soon as you hear somebody is recovering from knee surgery you immediately ask: “So how did you do it?”   Then you tell the person the details of your own experience.  It is almost like comparing war stories.  The conversation is always the same:

“Yeah, I tore my knee up pretty good last winter.”
“Complete ACL tear?”
“Yeah”
“How did they fix it?”
“Used a cadaver…”
“Huh…I blew mine out 2 summers ago…basketball injury…chose the hamstring.”
“How’s it feel now?”
“Pretty good…hurts when it rains.”

Both people chuckle.

The recent rash of injuries to female wrestlers has been jarring.  Melina tore her ACL, Daffney suffered a bruised sternum, Mickie James had a serious staph infection, Angelina Love tore her ulnar collateral ligament, and SHIMMER star LuFisto suffered a stroke, all in the span of a few months.  And these are just the injuries that got reported.  Each and every wrestler is probably working with aches and pains that most of us would use as a reason to call in sick.  There is extreme pressure to perform even when not 100%, and combined with the increased physicality of the sport (i.e. high spots, ladders, tables, etc), serious injuries are likely to occur.  These are trained professionals but obviously accidents can happen.  Remember, just months after her debut, Beth Phoenix broke her jaw and needed reconstructive surgery causing her to miss close to a year of action.  (Hard to believe she has 12 screws in her jawbone.  That surgeon deserves a medal.)

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A Week of Drastic Change (But Not Really) in Women’s Wrestling

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It’s funny how things can change so much in just seven days, yet still remain very much the same. Since last Thursday, it’s been one bombshell after another. In the last seven days, both WWE and TNA have made, I’m sure what they consider to be ‘wise business decisions’, in releasing Mickie James and allowing Tara to slip through their fingers. It is odd to watch this as a fan, as we effectively need to readjust the way we watch women’s wrestling on national television and prepare ourselves to no longer see two women, who combined, have probably entertained us for some 12-13 years. When it rains, it pours, right?

I say that things still remain the same because though these two extremely popular women have moved on or are going to move on, the status quo remains unchanged and that status quo is that the women aren’t considered as valuable as the men. Who’d have thought that Mickie James, the heir apparent to Trish Stratus’ throne, would leave under any circumstance other than her own? James seemingly had a meal ticket for as long as she wanted and seemingly had a send-off somewhere between Trish’s and the then-Victoria’s whenever she did hang up her boots. Where did it all go wrong? I’m sure you’re reading much speculation on the Internet, but it baffles me that WWE would dismiss the fact that Mickie was the most popular Diva in the WWE with audience reaction far more than that of some of the men they seem intent on pushing to the moon. Perhaps Mickie’s release should have been foreshadowed when WWE pulled a similar stunt in February, releasing Maria Kanellis, also extremely popular as proven by the fact that she won a worldwide fan vote for ‘Diva of the Year’ in December. Are the women that expendable? Are they that interchangeable?

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes: Issue #3

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WITH THE FIRST PICK IN THE 2010 DIVAS DRAFT, RAW SELECTS….

We all thought my friend Matt was the crazy one. Each April at Gettysburg College we would be out celebrating SpringFest – a college-wide party filled with live music, dancing, games, great food, and adult beverages. The party started early and lasted all day. It is one of the best memories from school each year. (Funniest SpringFest memory – my girlfriend (now wife) wanted to step into the inflatable boxing ring with me. I kept saying “no” but after I had had enough of her nagging, I climbed into the ring, put on the giant boxing gloves, and proceeded to punch her right through the ropes and out onto the grass. We laugh about it now, but I remember sleeping alone that night. Truthfully though I had little remorse, “hey babe, don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time”. I officially retired with a 2-1 record after some guy challenged me later that same day and turned me into Mankind.)

As fun at SpringFest was every year, my friend Matt always chose to skip it to “prepare” for the NFL draft. He was dead serious. The NFL draft was his favorite day of the year and it usually fell on the day of the party. I can’t tell you how much fun we made of him for this. Aside from being a Bengals fan (which is bad enough), he would compose multiple mock drafts and stress about which trades or picks each team should make, and then watch the draft for 10 straight hours. It was a little bizarre – he didn’t even take his actually classes that seriously. We graduated in 1995. Fast forward to today. He has now been working as a scout in the NFL for 14 years and wears a Super Bowl ring (1999-2000 St. Louis Rams). I’m not even sure how it happened…but he met the right person who introduced him to another person and so on. Next thing you know he is working for the Rams, scouting college football games, and hanging out with the players at summer BBQs. Pretty good for a kid who never really played football. Guess he wasn’t so crazy after all!

I was thinking about Matt the other day as I was piecing together my 2010 Divas Draft. Seemed pretty ironic to me that now I was the one looking at stats, making predictions, and stressing about match-ups and trades. Plus I felt like Stephen King with writer’s block. I kept putting thoughts down on paper, shaking my head, and then dramatically throwing the paper into the trash. This killed several hours at work, which is OK to admit because I’m 145% sure my boss doesn’t read this column (he barely reads the reports I turn). I felt a sense of purpose to get this right. After all, the WWE claims “For the eighth time in WWE history, the WWE Draft promises to realign the stars within the cosmos of the WWE Universe.” The cosmos of the WWE Universe?!? What the hell does that mean? Sounds important though huh?!

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes: Issue #2

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Well I think our first date went well. I picked you up on time, bought you dinner, told some funny jokes, picked a decent movie, and then dropped you back home before curfew. All in all it was a good night, except for one thing. I did all the talking. It was all about me. So, enough about me…for our second date lets climb the ropes together and turn our attention to where it belongs, the wrestling ring.

I thought in general this was a shaky week for the WWE. I like Jack Swagger and think he has a great future, but to have him cash in his MITB briefcase on a taped program like Smackdown seemed to detract from the moment, from the important elevation of his career. Nothing is as exciting when you know it is taped. Whether the WWE wants to admit it or not, show spoilers are out there and people do find out results beforehand. Michael Cole called us “Internet geeks” this past week. Whatever. Maybe it’s not a huge percentage, and maybe it’s not their target audience (i.e. kids), but there are plenty of us that do read the results beforehand and I felt the intimacy of the moment was stolen from Swagger. Do it on RAW (they cross brands all the time) or at a PPV. Give him that special “live” moment. I kind of felt bad for him even though this win is great for his career. I don’t know. Am I wrong here? To what degree should the WWE care about how the Internet affects their business?

And just to remind you…there are only 4 weeks to go until the first “rookie” is eliminated from NXT. Settle down. I know the excitement is overwhelming. I can only imagine the “innovative” challenges NXT has in store for us over the next few weeks, maybe jumping rope, maybe karaoke. This past week was bizarre, although I haven’t had that much fun watching dudes carry a keg around since I was a junior in college. For me personally NXT has been a major let-down. I support the concept – trying to establish new stars – but I expected this show to be a “peek” into the training and conditioning of future superstars, not 8-on-1 matches vs. Kane. I think NXT is so contrived I find myself missing The Abraham Washington Show. And at least with ECW we would get the occasional Rosa Mendes “cha cha cha”. (Speaking of bad WWE TV, what happened to WWE Superstars? They should just change the tag line from “Expect Everything” to “Expect William Regal and a Colon Brother”.)

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes: Issue #1

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Based on your response to his efforts as our correspondent on-scene at WrestleMania 26, we are very excited to welcome aboard David aka Mr. Glamazon as a regular featured columnist here at Diva Dirt. Check back every week for a new edition of ‘Hitting the Ropes’.

When Melanie asked if I wanted to write a weekly column for Diva Dirt, I jumped at the chance. Not because I thought I had so much to share with the readers or because I felt I could make an impact on the wrestling community. Nope, it was much more basic than that. Basically, writing a column for this site sounded a lot more fun than changing diapers, making bottles, mowing the lawn, working, and cleaning the house. (Seriously, kids are great, but for those of you who don’t have kids yet… get up, stretch, look around, and appreciate your freedom. Do it right now. Smile. Today is yours!) I need more fun in my life. This column could be therapeutic and give me something to think about while I am cleaning applesauce off the floor. So I said sure I’ll give this a try. I had a good time reporting from WrestleMania and you all seemed to like what I wrote, so let’s hit the ropes and get started!

Here’s my background so you know a little bit about me. Credibility is important. To this point, from the audio shows you know that I a) love Beth Phoenix, and b) don’t know anything about TNA. Pretty impressive credentials, huh? I fell in love with professional wrestling in October 1985 at the old Hershey Park Arena in Hershey, PA. My friend dragged me to a show that night and it happened to be a (then) WWF taping of Saturday Night’s Main Event. Since Hulk Hogan was on the card, the arena was full and all the people were going crazy. From the moment S.D. Jones came out to start the show (I didn’t know what a jobber was back then), I was hooked. I loved everything. The athleticism. The spectacle. The energy of the crowd. The pageantry. I soaked it all in and when Hulk came out for his tag match with Andre the Giant, I knew something inside of me had changed forever. (It wasn’t until Jim Duggan and the Iron Sheik got pulled over by a NJ state trooper that I realized something was “fishy” about this sport. That state trooper smartened up a generation of kids. In a way I hate him for it.)

For the next seven years the WWF was my main interest outside of school and sports. My friend Jamie (who went to WrestleMania 26 with me) and I actually thought we were the Mega-Powers. We begged our parents relentlessly until they agreed to take us to shows in Hershey. We broke more of our parents baking sheets and folding chairs than I care to remember. We watched the TV shows religiously (Brother Love really was my minister). We booked matches with our LJN action figures. And then we hit the jackpot when WrestleManias 4 and 5 came to Atlantic City, NJ. Those trips to AC remain some of my happiest childhood memories because we felt we were a part of something special: Donald Trump, the title tournament, Macho Man’s World Championship, and then the Mega-Powers exploding. (We were also in Hershey the night the “Madness Met the Mania” on SNME… or as I call it, “One of the Best Nights of My Life” somewhere next to my wedding day and the birth of my children, but don’t make me put them in order. I mean, Hogan, Savage, Liz, the Harts, Honky… good lord!)

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Krissy Vaine’s Final Vainety Fair: A Death and a Rebirth

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What’s is in a name? Does it define who and what we are? What we mean to people? Or what we mean to ourselves? In some cases I think so… Krissy Vaine was a character that I conjured up in my imagination about eight years ago. She’s been to a lot of places and done a lot of things. She has been a WWE Diva (for a hot second) and spent many hours on the road working the independent circuit. She has made friends and enemies. She has seen the good, the bad and the ugly (and has been ugly herself) of the wrestling world and still managed to come out alive, yet different if that makes sense? All of these experiences must have an effect and change a person, right? I hope so. Otherwise what has all this been for? Krissy Vaine, eight years ago and Mrs. Vaine of the present are two completely different people. I’m now older, wiser and much, much more patient. All of the ups and downs and the crazy rollercoaster was for the better good of my growth — at least that’s how I’ve come to look at it. Slowly but surely, I’ve begun to resonate less and less with ‘Krissy VAINNNNE’. After 29 years, I believe that I’m actually comfortable with looking in the mirror and saying, “Hello Kristin, how the heck are ya? Glad to have ya back.”

Krissy Vaine was a mask. A facade to cover up the fact that on the inside, Kristin was a real hot mess. Krissy Vaine had confidence, while Kristin did not. Krissy Vaine had many people who loved her, while Kristin did not, Vaine knew who she was and Kristin did not have a clue… I knew who and what I wanted to be, but I was far from attaining it. The thing about masks and facades is that they only last for so long. You can only attempt to be something you are not for a certain period of time before it’s so hard on your soul that you snap. I fortunately got to snap in front of the whole world… Yay me! Haha. Something else that began to happen was that I really started to believe I was the ‘fake replica’ that I had conjured up of myself and I became that monster. I was lost and needed to find myself again. And with a quickness.

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Krissy Vaine’s Vainety Fair: If at First You Don’t Succeed, Try to Hide Your Astonishment

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“If at first you don’t succeed, try to hide your astonishment” could not have been a more perfect title to Vainety Fair today. Just the thought made me double over in laughter to put a light spin on what could be considered a painful day. You see, I was rejected today. Yes me, Krissy Vaine, rejected for the millionth, bazillionth time in my life and it was not fun! Honestly, rejection never gets easier, but the amount of time I take it personally has reduced drastically over the years. Thank goodness! Fear of rejection is what I believe, keeps many people in their same redundant ‘safe’ life. Scared to come outside of their box, scared to spread their wings and fly. Luckily, I think of myself as pretty resilient, though it’s not always easy to be so! Human nature craves acceptance and it is one of the best feelings in the world when we do get it. But not everything can be rosy all the time! That wouldn’t even make sense… how would we grow? As a wrestling diva, model, actress and person who’s chosen to be in the entertainment business, I’ve had my fair share of both. But to be honest with all of you, there are many more nos in this business than yeses. That being said, it still doesn’t make it any easier.

Last week, I had an audition here in the town where I live for a big production that would be taking place in the springtime. Funny thing about these auditions is that you are often in a waiting room staring at your competition. Sizing them up. Wondering what their credentials are in comparison to yours and of course, if the role calls for a certain ‘look’, trying to figure out who is the best fit. Of course in my own mind, I was above and beyond the best person for the role. I nailed the audition, fit the character prototype perfectly, and honestly in my opinion, was the bomb diggity and a shoe in. (At this point, a piece of humble pie would be appreciated.) Good grief!

You can imagine my shock and utter amazement when I am informed by email that someone else was given the part! Grr, what?! EXCUSE ME??? In 0.2 seconds flat, my ego began to take over; tears started to well in my eyes, my bottom lip started to quiver and the waterworks started. It took me back to the 10th grade when I was cut from the cheerleading squad. In 10th grade, I thought my life was over. I had been cheering since I was practically born and what would I do for the year without it? And why me? What had I done to deserve that? However, somehow I got through that year and I expanded my horizons and branched out to learn things I never would have if I had been busy with the squad. I traveled with a theatre group and I started my first job that would teach me to work for my independence. The next year, I made the squad again as if a beat had never been skipped. The year without it had actually been a blessing and many lessons had been learned.

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The “Piggie James” Impact

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If you’re a fan of women’s wrestling and more specifically, the WWE Divas, then you are familiar with the “Piggie James” storyline that has graced our television screens in recent weeks. The angle has ignited a lot of discussion and controversy due to the sensitive issue it has been dealing with; a woman’s weight and image. The WWE constantly promotes their women as smart, sexy, and powerful and with those labels come certain expectations. I’m almost positive the girls employed by World Wrestling Entertainment are expected to maintain their appearance at the highest level they possibly can. I’m purely speculating here, but seeing as how the majority of their roster is filled with models, the girls get hired for their looks alone. If want to sit here and nitpick, the male portion of the roster has its fair share of lookers to but that’s not what’s important today. In the entertainment world, looks are everything, and as sad as it is, Mickie James could be considered big for a diva by some people.

Personally, I find it absolutely ridiculous to call Mickie James fat, but the writers over at the ‘E saw a chance for a storyline and they decided to role with it. Week after week we got a chance to see then Women’s Champion, Michelle McCool, and her BFF, Layla, humiliate and taunt Mickie for being “overweight”. Team Laycool (and sometimes Beth Phoenix) made Mickie’s life a living hell until the Royal Rumble when Mickie finally got some much needed and oh so sweet revenge. Laycool got served a nasty little dish of their own medicine and Michelle suffered the ultimate embarrassment of losing her precious title in less than a minute. I thought the end justified the storyline, and overall I thought the angle was brilliant. Lets face it, the WWE just doesn’t care about their divas like they used too. The Diva division has suffered in the post-Trish era. I don’t know if it’s because the WWE just doesn’t care these days, or if it’s because they don’t have the confidence in any of their women like they had Trish. Either way, women haven’t had legit storylines in a long time and their three minute matches have been sloppily put together and terrible to say the least.

Since the draft last April, Smackdown has more than proven itself as the place to be if you’re a diva. The girls on the blue brand are given a little more time and for the most part, better writing. As a diva fan, I didn’t find Piggie James appalling whatsoever. I found it funny, dramatic, annoying, and I enjoyed it. As a woman, I sympathized with Mickie and wanted to punch Michelle McCool and her perfect little self in the face. Us diva fans were FINALLY given a storyline we could get emotionally attached too. We were made to root for Mickie and we were made to hate on LayCool for their terrible actions. All women were given mic time. They were given segments. The storyline had extreme build and that’s something we haven’t seen since the days of Trish and Lita. Our girls were finally given time to shine. I had no idea Michelle was capable of comedy. I had no clue I could ever be made to want Mickie James win a match. I was so excited to see what Beth Phoenix would do and which side she would pick. I even marked out for Maria when she got herself involved and cut the best promo she’s ever done. This simple, childish storyline brought something out of each and every woman involved and it was refreshing to see. Despite the touchy issue it was built on, I think everything worked out well in the end. Us Diva fans were finally given a reason to get excited and emotional.

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Krissy Vaine’s Vainety Fair: Who Believes in You?

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“Who believes in me?”… A question I have often asked myself and at times had a hard time answering, just as I’m sure many of you have. Sometimes I don’t even believe in myself. How can I possibly say that? We should all believe in ourselves. Have faith we can attain our goals and achieve our dreams, but what blocks us from doing so? I’m a prime example of fear over running my life and letting it get the best of me. How do we, myself included, keep from living a “fear based” life in a fear based world? Turn on the news, the radio, open up a newspaper and all you see is trouble, sadness, and anxiety that brinks on paranoia. I try not to watch or read any of these things at this point in my life. The human race has become so focused on what is negative and fearful that we almost don’t know how to receive positive and good in our life. We don’t know how to accept “great news” for fear that we don’t deserve it, and something bad may be lurking around the corner. We walk around with the attitude that mediocrity is ok. That we are supposed to go to school, get a good job with “benefits” and live the same doldrum life until we die??? What about finding true happiness? Realizing what makes your soul sing and come alive!

Whenever I think of someone who always believed in me a loving, no GLEAMING, thought of my grandfather “Alvin” comes to mind. He called me “Hollywood” from the time I was a tiny tot. This was before I had dreams or aspirations to become anything at all. He always acknowledged something special about me and was never afraid to tell me. When I think back was really a rare thing in my family. He was such an amazing man.. The most loveable, fun and young spirited man I’ve ever met to this day. In his sixties he was watching “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” and would keep me updated if I missed an episode.

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The Revelation That is Kristal Lashley

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Five years ago, a petite, young, pretty model took part in a little competition called the Diva Search — who knew then that she’d open her mouth and turn out to be one of the best talkers we have right now? A Vickie Guerrero for TNA if you will, Kristal Lashley has been extremely impressive … Read more

Krissy Vaine’s Vainety Fair: Randomness with the ADHD Kicking

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Gosh, where do I start? Everyone prepare themselves for a random column this week! First of all, hey y’all! How you doing? I hope everyone is doing great this holiday season! I sure am! Whew, I have been slammed recently with my business and it has left me little to no time at the computer! I’m not complaining though — I feel totally blessed. We are in a recession, you know! So much has been happening, I don’t even know where to start.

Well here’s some good news — I have started working out again (first time in a gym in two years) lol. Gosh, that is totally embarassing and a true athlete would never admit to that, right? Oh well, I’m honest, like me or not! It feels good though. I enjoyed being ‘skinny fat’ for the last two years but honestly, I had taken a long enough break! Speaking of ‘breaks’ I’ve also had a pretty long one from wrestling… I think now that I’m training to become to become a 5-star athlete (wink,wink, hee hee hee) again maybe I’ll give wrestling another go. I had a ‘semi-comeback’ last year but that wasn’t really working out the way I wanted. You know by the time you get to a certain age, you just really like to march to the beat of your own drum. Actually I’ve always been like that lol! So I’ve taken some time and regrouped. Oh I’ll give you a lil spoiler, you won’t be seeing Krissy Vaine at TNA for the tag tournament next week. That synchronicity thing I’ve talked about before is so funny! Timing is everything and unfortunately I was already obligated to something else by the time this idea came to fruition. This go round, because I have looked less than professional in the past (and that is not my nature) I have to do things the right way. It’s really important for me to do so. So whomever I’m with, I’ll be giving that company 100%  — no more one show appearances for me. Its not fair to anyone involved. I do have some very exciting and interesting things going on in the New Year.

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Making Sense of Last Night’s Slammy Shocker

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Last night’s WWE Slammy Awards were the nail in the coffin for what has been a year of disappointment. From the Miss WrestleMania battle royal to the ‘Mayweather Melee‘ to the Diva Bowl and not forgetting the ‘Indians vs Pilgrims‘ match leading into Maryse’s lackluster return. Given the track record WWE has had with it’s Divas this year, in hindsight, we were far too optimistic for the Slammys to be the exception to the rule. From the nominations fiasco to the award being handed out on Raw, it’s been a marred process.

Clearly, it hasn’t been a good year for the Divas and last night summed up precisely what was so wrong about it. But try to make sense of the situation:

Maria’s win
Before we even begin, I’m not going to sit here and blast Maria for winning Diva of the Year, her win wasn’t under her control and it’s unfair to judge her personally for being chosen to win. It’s her moment and good for her. I can’t say I think she deserves the award but I’m not going to hold it against her.

Who deserves the blame
Let’s direct this annoyance at the people that it should be directed at — WWE. As the opening paragraph suggests, this whole year has been letdown after letdown at the hands of WWE. A year that could make even the most unrelenting Diva fan question why they continue to watch. Whether the vote was truly the results of a fan vote or if it was booked in Maria’s favour we’ll never know, but I’m sure there are theories to suggest both.

As pointed out in the Post-Raw Show and in the Raw Redux, Maria is set to be part of a big ensemble cast for the Celebrity Apprentice on NBC next year. Perhaps Maria’s Slammy win was their way of pushing her in that series. If you hear Donald Trump putting her over on the show as WWE’s Diva of the Year, then you’ll know. Especially since the show has already filmed. I mean, you gotta compensate Maria on that show somehow right? The show often boasts about the celebrities’ accolades in creating a competitive atmosphere. “Maria, WWE Diva” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it as “Cyndi Lauper, multi-platinum selling artist” does it? “Maria, WWE Diva of the Year” is a little more grandiose.

One of the things everyone, fans and critics alike, have pointed out is if this was truly fan voted, wouldn’t Mickie James win? Mickie is usually the winner of all of these fan polls and is unarguably, the most popular Diva in the WWE right now. That’s not to downplay Maria’s popularity — because she is up there. She and Kelly have a great rapport with the fans and are usually second or third in past fan-voted contests. But given Mickie’s current disposition with the company, would they really award her the Diva of the Year prize? Probably not. You’re pretty much calling the girl ‘fat and ugly’ every single week with all the ‘Piggie James’ BS that we’ve seen, you’re not going to give her an award. The conspiracy theorist in me suggests that Mickie probably topped the poll but they went for the second highest polling Diva.

It’s clear that WWE has positioned the Divas division to be so much of an afterthought that the average fan won’t care what they do with the girls. And as such, they can get away with murder. I mean in reality, we’re but a fraction of the total audience, right?

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Krissy Vaine’s Vainety Fair: Follow Your Fate?

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How many of us actually follow our fate? Our life purpose? Or our path? The signs seem to always be there, but do we listen or pay attention? And how long can you ignore what keeps being put in front of you by something that is bigger than you. My signs have always been pretty prevalent and loud, sort of like my personality. There have been times when I have paid attention and there have been times when I have chosen ego over a divine purpose. I believe we are all here to do something, but how do we grasp what that might be?

We can pay attention to synchronicity for starters. Synchronicity happens all the time and there are constantly ‘hints’ being thrown in front of us to help us to us reach our potential. If something drops in front of your face more than three times, I’d rest assured someone or something is trying to tell you something. For me,  it’s always been the wrestling business. No matter what I do, it always calls on me — even if I’m attempting anonymity. This business has given me a platform to reach and touch many people and it continues to do so even as an inactive performer and jobberette extraordinaire ;) I have not had that kind of success in any other business (as hard as I’ve tried), it just hasn’t happened . I used to think it was the devil on my shoulder, but I’m beginning to wonder if my ‘plans’ and my ‘path’ are two different things. You see our ‘egos’ plan. They instill us with fear, induce anxiety and promote worry. Our ‘paths’ just take us where we are supposed to go with no ulterior motives. Our path just wants us to have the peace that we are doing what we are supposed to do and the universe is thrilled by it. When this happens we are truly in sync. I’m working on it but definitely not quite there myself.

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