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Impact Write-Up (September 8th, 2011): A Little Life Blood Does the Body Good

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Last week on Impact, we saw the crowning of a new Knockouts Champion, much to the dismay of many, and the promotion of a new VP for the Knockouts divison. I wasn’t aware that there was ever a standing VP for the division but hey, this is a Bischoff move here. We also saw a … Read more

Impact Write-Up (September 1st, 2011): A New VP, A New Champion and One Disgruntled Knockouts Division

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Let me first say that if I don’t seem as enthusiastic as normal, I apologize. I’ve been sick all week, haven’t had a voice for pretty much the entire time and I have pretty much no energy. I almost took the week off from the write-up but I’m going to push through it and see … Read more

Impact Write-Up (August 25th, 2011): The Cray Cray Just Keeps on Coming!

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Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin. I think it is official and we can all admit that the Knockouts have taken over CrazyTown. They’ve packed up all their belongings and moved away from reality, settling into this weird ass bubble of a universe that is Impact Wrestling. I mean, we’ve seen some wacky … Read more

Impact Write-Up (August 18th, 2011): Traci’s Law, Contract Quest Continues, Winter is Blood Thirsty (Literally!)

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Oh lard! Has it been a week already?! I can’t even keep up anymore. I have to tell you that these Knockouts just keep coming. Once again, we’ve got a near full roster on the show and you can bet your ass it’s worth the watch. Last week, we saw a former champion take on … Read more

Impact Write-Up (August 11, 2011): Taramacher: The New Power Couple of Impact Wrestling

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It’s like I am the central magnet for all things “technical difficulties.” Either that or there are little gnomes running around the Internetz messing with all my shit. I am writing this intro for the second time because apparently, when I sent it in Saturday morning, the write-up never went through. I didn’t save all … Read more

Hardcore Justice in Review: Winter Pulls Off a Blinding Victory!

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Oh boy! That moment is finally here. It’s Hardcore Justice! Okay. I’ll turn off the country music superstar and just be plain ole me. Tonight, in an action packed pay-per-view event, we’ll see two extremely chaotic Knockouts finally tear each other apart for the coveted gold strap. We’ll also get to see two pairs of … Read more

Impact Write-Up (August 04th, 2011): The Champ Takes a Hardcore Hit

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Hello again, my lovies. It has been a long week without you around and I shall tell you, I am happy this day is finally here. Last week, we got a show chock full of Knockouts action but this week, we’re coming up a little bit short. On this episode, we’ve only got one short … Read more

Impact Write-Up (July 28th, 2011): Hit the Lights! Cue the Dramatic Exit!

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Hello, my darlings. After the disaster that was last week, I’m pretty sure that we now have everything back on track. I say we, but I mean me. However, you are like my family. And I just sang that out loud in a very campy, Barney-esque way. Anyhoo! Last week, we saw a Knockouts Championship … Read more

Impact Write-Up (July 21st, 2011): An Unfortunate Series of Insane Events

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So I’m going to have to change this introductory paragraph completely, due to ignorant unforeseen circumstances. Why is this write-up so damn late? I’ll tell you. Due to my work schedule, I will start the write-up on Friday afternoon when I get home and then finish it early Saturday morning. Unless, of course, it is … Read more

Impact Write-Up (June 30th, 2011): Trouble in Psychotic Paradise?

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Oh what a week. But I know you don’t care about that so I won’t even scratch that surface. Haha. Last week, we got had a couple of rather quirky, yet violent brawlesque matches. Rails belts and flasks got involved and we all know, when that happens, it isn’t going to be pretty. This week, … Read more

Impact Write-Up (June 23rd, 2011): Seven Lashes for the Mistress

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Ladies and Gentlemen, children of all ages… well, I think it best if we go 13 and up on this one… It is time again for another edition of the weekly attribute to Diva Dirt known as the Impact Write-Up. I am your lovely Impact Wrestling correspondent and you know you’re in for one hell … Read more

Impact Write-Up (June 9th, 2011): The Road to Slammiversary is Paved with Evil Intentions

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I do apologize for the inconvenience due to a late post. I went through hell earlier with my cable company to figure out why my internet modem was out. Then of course, after all of that, due to the fact it is in my roommate’s name, he had to call when he got home. So … Read more

Impact Write-Up (June 2nd, 2011): Frankenstein Learns To Speak

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So last week, the Impact Wrestling Knockouts took a little vacation to Crazy Cove and ended up leaving us all scratching our heads. We saw blood trickle from the lips of an evil genius and her monster creation forced the enemy to pay dearly for the mistake. There was also that little trip to Psycho … Read more

Impact Write-Up (May 26th, 2011): Who Ordered the Knockouts With a Side of Crazy?!

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I know. I’m late again this week. I’m sorry. I had it going really well there for awhile but my schedule has caught up to me again. It’s been a rather…odd week, to say the least. Anyway, last week, we saw practically every Knockout on the roster take a spot on the show. We even saw another return from another former Knockout, in a rather confusing way. Not to mention, Karen Jarrett got shoved down the ramp in a wheelchair. It doesn’t get much better than that. However, this week, that former Knockout has some explaining to do and you had better believe someone is demanding the answers. Plus, one of the resident crazies is going to be taking on the Knockouts Champion. Which one will it be? Strap into your straight jackets and hold onto to your bunny rabbits.

We start out the Knockouts action this week with a visit to the Impact Zone from Velvet Sky. Her music hits and she wastes no time on the ramp, dancing around. She’s got her mind set on something and she marches her little ass to the ring like she owns the place. I’m digging the jeans but the top…it’s gotta go. Anyway, Vel Vel is quick to get on the microphone and tell ODB that they have some unfinished business to tend to. That sneak attach shit she pulled last week don’t fly with Vel Vel so ODB needs to woman up and get out there face to face. We want to know what her problem is. Face to face. Now.

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Impact Write-Up (May 19th, 2011): Keep Rollin’, Rollin’, Rollin’…

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First and foremost, I am very sorry this is late. I’ve had a rough couple of days between a good friend’s father passing away and then “Macho Man” Randy Savage, in a very odd and twisted way, both the exact same way. I have just been an emotional ball of mess. Between worrying about my friend and her family and losing such a huge chunk of what made me fall in love with this business. But, I love you guys so I am going to give it my best shot. Bear with me and hopefully this won’t be as lackluster as I feel.

We start this week out in the ring, with the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions, Sarita and Rosita. They’re taunting Christy Hemme and she is just playing along like nobody’s business. Out next is their tag team partner, Madison Rayne and this looks to be a six Knockout tag team match. Oh boy. SHE’S A KILLER QUEEN! Madison comes out, atrocious fence of a crown on top of her head and looks aggravated, as usual. She stops to wave to her kingdom before making her way down to the ring, grinning to bare it. HARDCORE COUNTRY! Their opponents Tara, Miss Tessmacher and the TNA Knockouts Champion, Mickie James pop out next. Literally if you’re Tessmacher. Mickie flashes that gold strap up to the crowd and Tara just looks like a bouncer from the club down the street. This should be a rather fun loving match-up.

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TNA Sacrifice in Review: The King and Queen(s) Take a Royal Beating

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It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for! Okay, so maybe a couple of moments. We’ve seen weeks upon months of back and forth between all competitors in tonight’s matches. Whether it’s the self-proclaimed “Queen” of the Knockouts division or the Queen of the Mountain, I have a feeling that tonight, someone is going to get overthrown. So much is on the line tonight. The Knockouts Championship and the contract of a scorned henchwoman, to the physical stature of Little Mama and Big Daddy. The return of a female phenomenon to the ring after ten years has the Impact Zone on fire tonight. I have a feeling there are definitely going to be fireworks. I hope you brought the marshmallows for roasting because there’s going to be heat.

Our real and true action for TNA Sacrifice starts out in the form of Jeff Jarrett and his Queen of the Hillside, Karen Jarrett. They slowlly make their way onto the stage, hand on the ribcage, crutches in hand and a boot on the foot. Say what?! Karen is dressed like she’s on her way to the prom, heel and all. Jeff hands her the crutches and they make their way to the ring, slow enough for another population to have enough time to develop on a foreign planet. When they finally reach the apron, Jeff helps her up and through all the pain and anguish, she limps to the middle of the ring. Jeff takes to the microphone, stating that unfortunately, and being an adorable, caring wife and mother. Please, give him all of your attention because he has a very important announcement to make! Listen people! Listen!

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Impact Write-Up (May 12th, 2011): Mama Jarrett Goes Downtown to Chynatown

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Oh boy. Last week, we got a serious basketful of everyone and their mama on Impact. Between Winter and Angelina Love beating up on Velvet Sky, who was assumed and accused of being Kurt Angle’s mistress and the Cinco de Mayo celebration with Mexican America. I was so worn out last week. This week, we find out the truth, however. The Queen of the Mountain has been throwing her blame finger at everyone under the sun and finally narrowed it down, but boy is she in for a major surprise. Daddy Jarrett doesn’t know what’s coming his way either! All is to be revealed on this week’s episode so if you’re ready for it, dive right in. The water’s nice and electrifying!

So our show starts off with a rather meek and “humbled” appearance by the Royal Family of the Hillside, Karen Jarrett and her tagalong husband, Jeff. Again. They make their way to the ring and with lackluster attitudes, I must admit. Karen looks annoyed and Jeff just looks like he’s trying to knock an ongoing migraine. The crowd isn’t helping and their jeers just flood through the Impact Zone like a raging river. Stopping to hug his wife on the steps before he gets in the ring, Jeff steps in and takes a microphone, stating that they’ve decided to once and for all, call a truce. That’s right. He knows he’s mocked Kurt Angle in the past but tonight, Big Daddy is very sincere. How comforting.

Jeff tells Kurt to take a look at Karen, so sweet, so innocent and so fragile. I’m sure. He says that Karen wouldn’t hurt a fly and for her to be put in harm’s way, in the middle of the ring at Sacrifice, is terribly wrong. Just oh so terrible. Yet, we’re all dying to see it. He says he has done his best to keep her out of all of his matches yet, Karen keeps getting in the way. Womp womp. By the way, it’s MIStress, Jeff. Not MITtress. Just to let you know.

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Impact Write-Up (May 5th, 2011): Cinco de My Oh My!

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Oh my my my! Last week, we got a reel of conspiracies with character zombies and measurement hungry tailor maids! This week, we’ve got an action packed episode of Impact that is bound to leave you hanging on the edge of your seat with laughter and intrigue. A healthy matchup with a main event to scream over. Not to mention, more information regarding the “mistress” who is set to turn The Queen of the Mountain’s world upside down. Not to mention, it’s Cinco de Mayo! Orale! Are you ready for it? I’m sorry. I can’t hear you. Are you ready for it?! I hope so. Vamos!


skip to the 09:19 minute mark.

So we start this week out backstage, with Karen Jarrett and her tagalong husband, Jeff. They’re banging on the supposed locker room door of Velvet Sky like a couple of landlords looking for their rent money. Sure enough, the door swings open and whoa…Velvet appears in nothing but a pair of towels. However, she has a face full of makeup. Yeah. I totally shower with my face completely done up too. It’s a favorite pasttime of mine. Karen tells Velvet that she’s solved the mystery and she knows Velvet is the one that Kurt hired to take a hit out on her. Nope! NOPE! But oh yes, Karen says and tells her that Big Daddy, aka Tagalong Jeffro, isn’t going to let that happen. So she needs to go blow dry her weave, put her skanky little outfit on and meet them in the ring. Why? Because thanks to Hogan and Bischoff, they have an offer for her that she cannot refuse.

Does this phase our adorable Vel Vel? Well, of course not. Even when Tagalong Papa tells her she’s stepped in it, she doesn’t skip a beat. “I may have stepped in it but at least I didn’t get it dumped all over me!” And that pisses Karen off and she tries to go after Velvet but all she does is wave her off and step back into her locker room while Tagalong pushes his wife away. Oh I so cannot wait for this. /sarcasm

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Impact Write-Up (April 28th, 2011): Zombies, Tailor Maids and Conspiracies! Oh My!

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Good lard! Has it been a week already?! I have no idea where my time has gone but we’re back with another edition of the Impact Write-Up brought to you by your good friends at The Colon Cleanse! They’ll clean your crap while you take a nap! Last week, we saw a major shit storm hover right over the King and Queen of the Mountain, with promise of a new intruder to their kingdom. We also saw another break in the bond between a former chumpion and her minion. Not to mention that rabid beatdown in the locker room. This week, we have a match between two feuding BFFs, one of which is missing all her screws. We are also sucked into the dreaded conspiracy of the one who hunts Lady J. Who could it be? We may find out sooner than you think! So ride along little ones!

FINALLY! A show that starts out with the TNA Knockouts, pretty much all of which are in the ring when the show hits the air. It seems we’re in the middle of Karen Jarrett, lining them up and going down the line, one by one. She starts out with someone who appears to be the TNA seamstress, given the measuring tape over her shoulder and her statement of getting his measurements. Karen, being the ever so witty one, tells her to take her dancing fingers and dance them out of the ring. After that line, I’m pretty sure Karen should just be revoked from ever speaking on the microphone. Ever.

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Impact Write-Up (April 21st, 2011): The Sh*t Has Hit the Fan!

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Hello there! Didn’t I just see you guys like four days ago? Geeze! I love you. Really. Last week, we saw two BFFs finally combust into a fiery pit of despair. We also saw a number one contender, gimp arm and all, come into her inner strength. This week, we’ve got a tag team match for the Knockouts Tag Team Championships and some backstage antics that could leave you either majorly excited or scratching your head in question. Either way, I’m determined to make this fun so grab your refreshments, take a comfy seat and turn up the volume because I’m going to need your full attention. I demand it! Do you know who I am?! Who do you think you are?! I’m the Queen! Me! ME! Oh just go read the Write-Up already! =P

We start things off backstage where it seems like the cameras are spying on Madison Rayne and Tara. The former Knockouts Champion is all up in Tara’s grill, telling that it was her fault she lost her title to Mickie James four days prior. She says that for all she knows, the two of them are in cahoots. Tara reminds her that it was her locked in the cage with Mickie and Madison goes on to say that she wasn’t there when she needed her. From what I recall, Madi, you demanded Tara stay in the back and play with little dollies while you unceremoniously got your ass beat. But that’s just one person’s reflection. Oh wait..nope, Tara remembers it the same way I do. Maybe we’re in cahoots! CAHOOTS!

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TNA Lockdown in Review: A Minute to Win It

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Hello, my lovelies! It is TNA’s time of the month again..har har. It has finally come down to Lockdown! For months, we have seen these two women battle back and forth, one being tormented for everything she stands for while the other uses her power as champion to run rampant. It is finally, and you will hear me say that a lot, FINALLY, time to settle the score between these two. Since the day she debuted, Mickie James has had her eye on Knockouts gold. In a Hair vs Title Match, locked in a steel cage, we are finally going to find out if Mickie has what it takes to become a triple crown champion. If you didn’t watch, I urge you to check it out now because you don’t want to miss it. No, seriously, don’t blink because you just might. Onward!

We first see our Knockouts backstage, where Christy Hemme states that she is personally rooting for Mickie James to win this bout against Madison Rayne. Speak of the devil, she walks up behind Christy and taps her on the shoulder, calling her Big Red. Tara is with her, not looking at all happy with her current position. Madison, wielding scissors, has an atrocious crown on her head and she tells Christy that her rooting isn’t going to help Mickie win the match. Christy counters with a question, asking Madison how it feels to know that tonight could be the last night she wears that belt. “What internet site did you read that on?” I’m gonna go with Diva Dirt, because we are all rooting for Mickie tonight. Ahem.

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Impact Write-Up (April 14th, 2011): Come Over to the Dark Side, Angelina (We Have Free Drinks)

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Oh oh Oh oh Oh! Oh oh Oh oh! Oh oh Oh oh Oh! The Right Stuff! Wait…this is totally the wrong website for that. I’m sorry. Where was I? Oh yes. It is time for yet another Diva Dirt edition of the TNA iMPACT Write-Up, brought to you by yours truly! Last week, we saw a zombie finally turn on her BFF. Brainssssss! We also saw a motorcycle accident leaving a fallen contender with a more than a few scrapes and bruises. This week, the theme is retribution and you had better believe someone’s going to get it! So if you’re all for the heroic story or even a healthy beatdown or two then step into my office. We need to have a little chat.

Our first glimpse of the TNA Knockouts comes to us from backstage where Velvet Sky is banging on what appears to be the locker room of Angelina Love, giving the fact that Velvet is screaming her name like a banshee. A second later, Winter opens the door and steps out, telling Velvet to keep it down. Velvet screams that she isn’t talking to her and Winter tells her that Angelina is resting and in case Velvet hasn’t noticed, Angelina wants nothing to do with her former BFF. Vel Vel, obviously stressed, demands to know what Winter has done with her TBP partner but Winter takes it as an insult. Angelina is a big girl and can make her own decisions, having decided she wants nothing more to do with Velvet. Winter tells her to just live with it.

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